Being a kid is where it’s at. When I think back to when I was, say, nine years old, the world was a different place. When I was nine, all I knew about was the Ninja Turtles and the Super Mario Brothers, and all I cared about was Otter Pops, Superman movies, and Roald Dahl books. I never got overdue bills with my name on them; I got birthday cards with five dollars in them. When I was nine, police officers never asked me if I knew why they pulled me over; they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never worried about where my food and clothing was going to come from; it was just there. And when I was nine, grown-ups all thought I was cute and Santa Claus was still real. I want to go back to THAT life. This is NOT a midlife crisis.
Some places (mostly in TV and movies) have “Bring Your Child to Work” days. Some have “Bring Your Dog to Work” days. One place I used to work even had a “Bring Your Baby Elephant With a Clown Wig To Work” day (which I thought was weird, but we had, like, three people with clown-wigged … Continue reading You’re not unprofessional – you’re “fun”-professional!
No March Madness is madder than a chubby 40-year-old dude who wants to relive his basketball glory days. To be honest, I never really had any basketball glory days. I played high school hoops at a small school in Vermont, where I was a short skinny white dude in a sea of short skinny white … Continue reading The 40-Year-Old Shaq Attack
What a delicious time of year this is for someone who wants to be nine years old again. Soon you’ll be able to find pumpkin-everything and apple-everything-else wherever you look, not to mention the fourteen-pound bags of Halloween candy you’ll be able to buy at will in any store that sells anything. But the greatest … Continue reading Riding High (On Sugar) At the County Fair
Baseball is the greatest sport of all time. If you say football, I will fight you. (And you’ll probably win because you played football). Hey—OUCH!—my fingers don’t bend like that! Fine, football is better! This is not off to a good start. Goddamn football players. Anyway, baseball is one of the greatest sports of all time. Some … Continue reading The aborted pursuit of Little League glory
Summertime is my favorite time of year for a million reasons. First of all, I hate winter. So any day I get to spend dripping with sweat instead of driving through snow is a good one in my book. Secondly, what’s not to like? There’s baseball, cookouts, fireworks, backyard games, shorts and sandals, beaches, bikinis, … Continue reading The Devastating Effects of a Poorly Executed Cannonball
Mr. Ding-A-Ling has always been there for me. Not the Ding-A-Ling Chuck Berry sang about (that’s a completely different subject)— I’m talking about Mr. Ding-A-Ling, the ice cream truck guy. No matter what mood I’m in, what’s happening in my life, or how far behind I am on my bills, Mr. Ding-A-Ling always makes things … Continue reading The Epic Fail of One Mister Ding-a-Ling