You’re not unprofessional – you’re “fun”-professional!

Some places (mostly in TV and movies) have “Bring Your Child to Work” days. Some have “Bring Your Dog to Work” days. One place I used to work even had a “Bring Your Baby Elephant With a Clown Wig To Work” day (which I thought was weird, but we had, like, three people with clown-wigged baby elephants in the office that day, and they didn’t even work there).

My proposal? “Bring Your Nine-Year-Old Self to Work” day. It would be a celebratory day in which we could wear what we want, eat what we want, do whatever we want, and speak to people exactly how we want for one glorious day. That means, if you work in retail and a customer is being a pain in the ass, you’re allowed to tell them to shut up and throw mud at them. If you work in an office, you’re allowed to respond to all important emails with, “You can’t make me.” If you’re a lawyer, instead of reviewing that complicated two-hundred page document, you’re allowed to say, “This is boring,” and then make a flip book out of it with crayons. If you work in construction, you’re allowed to bulldoze your boss’s car and pour wet cement on his head. Okay, well maybe not that one, but you get the picture.

You want more ideas, you say? Well, you’re in luck, because I’m feeling creative today. Or generous. Or lazy (I should be working right now). But, I mean, just off the top of my head, you could:

• Wear your cranberry-stained Bart Simpson t-shirt to the office and tell everyone to eat your shorts.
• Drink a gallon of Strawberry Quik and yack into a coffee pot.
• Make fart noises with your hands. When people start giving you dirty looks, say, “What’s up, Dumbledork?”
• Push all the elevator buttons at once.
• Push all the buttons on the copier at once.
• Push all your coworkers’ buttons at once.
• Open your stapler and swing it around like nunchucks.
• Play “Baby Shark” on repeat for five hours straight. Leave for lunch. Come back and play more “Baby Shark.”
• During your department meeting, fold your arms and say, “booooorrrrrrred” thirteen times.
• Also during your department meeting, spill a gallon of Strawberry Qwik on the conference table and wipe it up with a Little Mermaid towel.
• Take the jug off the water cooler and see how far you can roll it down the hallway without spilling any.
• Lean back in your chair and see how many Pringles you can balance on your nose.
• Knock aggressively on your boss’s door. When she says, “Come in,” run away and giggle.
• Google articles about video games and read them out loud.
• Watch YouTube videos about video games.
• Play video games.
• Call an emergency Zoom meeting with the CEO and the Board of Directors. Once everyone is settled in, show them the drawing you made of Dr. Evil on a pogo stick. End the Zoom meeting.
• Run around in tighty whities with chocolate on your face. Wait, is that something a nine-year-old would do? Or is that more of a three-year-old thing? I… I don’t have kids..
• During those final, critical moments when that huge project you were assigned two months ago “has to get done” or whatever, eat potato chips and talk to about Spider-Man.
• Take two pencils and perform an extended drum solo. Then play five more hours of “Baby Shark.”
• Instead of working, make a list of all the things you would do if you were a nine-year-old at work.

Seriously, what could be more fun than being a nine-year-old at work? When you finally relax and let it all hang out (figuratively, of course—don’t blame me for your sexual harassment lawsuit) and submit to the impulses of your reptilian brain under the guise of childlike innocence, only then will you know true freedom. So join me in this revolution, won’t you? Corporate America will no longer impede our long-stymied youthful frivolities!   

UPDATE: I got fired.

Until next time, so long…so short!

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